Tiptoeing into the world of Acupuncture

I'm doing something I never thought I'd do! I'm getting Acupuncture! To Lose Weight! First off...I'm not a big needle fan. For years I equated 'shots or needles' with 'FAINT'. I remember a friend telling me about getting Acupuncture and the mere 'mind image' of what my friend probably looked like with dozens of needles sticking all over her....S C A R Y! Danger! Don't even THINK about that whole thing concerning NEEDLES!

Then one day, a ka-zillion years later...I was pondering every diet plan endorsement I watched on TV when out of no-where I thought the word "Acupuncture!" I looked at the ba-zillion reviews for Acupuncture places and came to one that appeared to me to be the 'real deal'. I made an appointment and got a 'consultation'. The actual Acupuncturist is a man. He's tall and lean and very purposeful. He answered all my questions and showed me that several Acupuncture needles could fit in the eye of a needle! Then he stuck one in his hand while I watched and pretty much said "Look! I feel no pain!" He made it look effortless! Still, I was not compelled to yell out "Let me try it!".

Acupuncture for Weight Loss is not cheap! It's also not covered by insurance! You gotta REALLY want it! The acupuncturist told me he thought he could help me to lose weight and to STOP binge eating and to STOP overeating! I told him ALL the goodies that I crave constantly! We talked about cake and cookies and chocolate and ice cream and Hostess Snowballs! Did I really want this guy to FIX that? It won't be easy...I can pretty much picture a lovely piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (thick) and if I had a piece in front of me I'd undoubtedly EAT IT! I really can't imagine NOT wanting any of those things! Sometimes those treats are the best part of my day! Hmmmm, wouldn't it be cool, if after I got Acupuncture, that every time I saw a malted milk shake or a cake donut, I'd picture myself drinking a vat of lard or biting into a rubber dog toy? I don't think that's what will happen...but it COULD! I'd like that! I think I'd really like that! It would make it SO much easier to not want to eat processed JUNK!

I'd like it if every single thing I have been imaging while getting Acupuncture ACTUALLY HAPPENS! If this works and I lose weight...I'll be over the moon happy! As one of my workout DVD's says..."I want my body to feel as good as it possibly can!" I would LOVE to feel that!

In the meantime...I go twice a week and the good Doctor of Acupuncture calmly sticks needles into and around my ears and in my arms and hands and in my legs. Not once have I screamed! Let me say this...if you are wondering whether to get a tattoo or try Acupuncture - go with the Acupuncture! The needles are NOTHING compared to getting a tattoo! It's a walk in the park in case you are also wondering about that!

I never fall asleep but I think a lot of other people who enjoy resting in a serene environment for 30-40 minutes with their eyes closed will like this! Then there is the part later that day when you feel unexplainably happy! You go around actualy telling people that you are so HAPPY! You feel that good! They say that this is like a runner's high - after experiencing that I wish I had started running when I was young! No wonder all those people KEEP running over and over, year after year! Anyway...the up feeling you get sometimes from Acupuncture is pretty great! I spent an entire day recently, after an appointment, filled with energy! I got a million things done and I had fun! I think I even exercised that day!

The acupuncturist actually says my liver is 'wet'. "Wet" is not a good thing in Acupuncture. "Picture a humid dank swamp." he said to me. That's how my liver is. "Let's dry that sucker out!" I think to myself! My entire style of eating has changed. I'm learning a lot about organic, I even watched "Food Inc." - that REALLY made you think twice about what you eat!

I'm making changes - I hope they make a change in me. Well that's it for tonight.

I wish I loved to cook.

I hate to cook. I usually hang my head low as I pick up my apron from the floor and tie it on and begin to think about what things I can stir together to make something edible - something at least semi-suitable for consumption. Can you even imagine living with a woman who thinks like that? It's true, whenever the sentence "Dear? What are we having to eat tonight?" is uttered, my heart sinks like a lead pipe falling from a 25 story building. It's true. I usually make a face and then walk to the kitchen like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, only slower. I open the cupboards and open the fridge and I look at everything, but nothing beckons to me as a good idea. I then sigh heavily and walk back out to the living room and say to my husband, "There's nothing."

Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet NIGHTMARE!

I have been working on our gardens (I have a few different tiny gardens). One of my gardens is actually a tribute to my main man; it totally looks/feels like you are up north, in the woods, when you look at it! There are no tall pine trees, bears, or caterpillar cocoons the size of pineapples, but you do get the 'woods' vibe when you look at it. I am looking out my window as I am typing and I am transported to some television show about the Audubon society. Never mind that....listen to this...How many of you have ever had to figure out how to assemble an Arm's Reach Original Co-sleeper Bassinet? Well, just how many of you have arthritis in your hands? I purchased one of these bassinets to use when my grandchild comes to sleep over or have a nap. I tried to find a Pack and Play but kept missing them at garage sales. A really good friend had just sold her Pack and Play but told me about the Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet she was selling. It seemed like there was a whole lot more to it than with the Pack and Play but it seemed like a good idea at the time, at least to me. More is better, right? My girlfriend and my husband got the thing into our porch (it was out of the bag and folded in upon itself like a wounded caterpillar.) Later somebody managed to get it into our guest room. The guest bed was covered in extra pieces and accessories for this thing, just in case we wanted to further challenge our assembly skills at some point!

As our story continues, my man friend husband was ready to blow a gasket when he tried to get the Arm's Reach Original Co-sleeper Bassinet to turn itself into a bed of some sort for a lovely tired child just waiting to take a nap! This was after I, alone, attempted to PRESS the pieces in the joints of the bassinet/co-sleep together! PAINFUL HANDS PEOPLE! It TOOK TWO MEN to get the thing to finally snap into place! There were several 'instructional' manuals that appeared to have been thrown violently against the wall in that room. I'm guessing at least one of the manuals is on Assembly and that one is on Dis-Assembly!

The damn thing is STILL sitting in the guest room, taking up all sorts of valuable space! I can't get it to budge at all with my gnarly hands in any of my futile attempts to break it down again! Right now the score is, The Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet - 1 - Me - 0. I gently asked my still-in-a-rage man friend, , if HE wanted to try to at least help me get the Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet to break down small enough to put back into the rather small zippered travel bag it goes in. He didn't even hesitate when he said, "PUT THE DAMN THING ON CRAIG'S LIST!! SELL THE DAMN THING!" Neither of us can get it out of the room and I'm thinking the word "Hammer" hourly! People like me or couples like us shouldn't be allowed to purchase difficult to assemble and disassemble items, EVER. ...Sometimes I will forget it's in there and be all cheerful and perky and just as I start to waltz into the guest room, my entrance is BLOCKED by that damn Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet!!!!!! If my man friend walks into the room and bangs his leg or kneecap right into it, he starts talking about somebody's sons or something ...son of Bridgettes I think he is saying. I can tell you this... If I was that Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet, I'd make myself so small right now and I'd climb into my own carrying bag and then I'd slither the hell out of this house! The odds are that the next time these two particular adults go into the same room with the Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet, somebody is going down.

Just before we went to bed, my man friend and I thought perhaps we could just try one more time to literally just pull the thing in it's full tight as a drum, unBENDABLE state through the doorways (all 4 of them) and then???! Ha! We couldn't even get it through the FIRST doorway! That's when my man friend saw RED! Code RED right here in the house! I was thinking the word "hemorrhage" and I was going to find out how to sue the makers of the Arm's Reach Original Co-Sleeper Bassinet! I think we are better candidates for the simple Pack and Play. Just a simple Pack and Play should do the trick. Simple, being the key word here.

I hope somebody on Craig's List will buy it from me. I hope my friend who I purchased it from doesn't read this or she will say "Shit!." You gotta admit though, it was a funny story.

Please leave comments or tell me if something in particular made you laugh!

What's wrong with this picture?

Tonight I had a struggle of vast proportions. It was the end of the day, I had sufficiently dirtied myself up gardening. I looked like hell but nobody is really paying attention, that I know of. Although I often imagine the neighbors are all saying that I have gone down hill since I lost my job. That is definitely the case. But, on the other hand, the very glorious other hand, I love my life right now! I live in cute-ville with a good man and I am FREE to garden or do anything I want...for the first time in my life since I was a kid! Yippie for me! I watched a show on TV last night talking about aging and one thing that hit me was that they said people who turn 50 are less stressed! Old people are REALLY not stressed! Finally, something is actually good about this! Although if anybody tries to put me in a nursing home, my stress level will exceed the combination of all the stress I have had in this lifetime!

As my story continues, tonight I took a lovely shower in our spa like bathroom, wrapped up in the fluffy large white spa-like towel, wrapped my hair in a big brown towel and then I got ready to put on my nightly face creams. This is where it got very dark. I had run out of my special facial creams so my good and always a hero, husband, purchased for me a three pack of the exact three items I needed at Sam's Club! We are talking big bucks here! I mean almost $100.00!

Well I went to get my 3 pack of face creams and was ready to open a jar and apply the creams to my thirsty facial tissues! Well THAT wasn't going to happen any time soon! You know when you purchase things, like toys for instance, how it comes hermetically sealed in that heavy duty plastic. Well, my creams were encased in the utensil defying plastic and I couldn't get at them. I used knives, scissors, but this bastard of a package was not giving in one iota. I think it took me at least 20 minutes to get to ONE of the three items in this package. My hands were scratched and bordering on bloody. I struggled with the 2nd item for close to 30 minutes until I got it out! Oh! And to make things even more dastardly, not only can you not get the plastic off in a big enough section to even inch out the item you are trying desperately to reach...they have GLUED the product to the back of the plastic it's encased in! MEAN! That's just MEAN!

My thought is that FOR SURE, somewhere in this plastic, is a hidden microchip with a camera in it and as soon as I attempted to open the package the camera automatically goes on and sends a live feed to the people who seal up these plastic packages! I know they were doubled over in laughter, probably even still laughing as I write this! In case any of you are wondering, the THIRD cream is STILL in the package and I cannot get it out! I'll have to have my husband and his man tools rip that sucker open! If Superman was real, I'd have to have summoned him to open my damn package! I realize you don't bother Superman for just anything but it would only take him a half a second to open my package then he could fly off and help a REALLY needed person! Not to mention that today, for once, my hands didn't hurt from arthritis but they sure as hell did AFTER all the exertion I put upon them to open that damn plastic covering so I could get at my purchases! It certainly ruined the spa relaxed feeling I was enjoying just moments before.

Let me tell you another sign of getting old. Yesterday I sat outside in the yard ALL DAY long. What was I doing you ask? I was taking photos of birds - ALL DAY! But it wasn't at all boring because I had a plan to communicate what I wanted the birds to do so I'd get cute photos every time! Well, I got myself a LARGE supply of meal worms and I would arrange cute scenarios and then plant the meal worms somewhere near the objects I wanted them to land on and just like that...CUTE PHOTO OPPORTUNITY! I rock in the bird looking cute sitting on something department! Mealworms are like brownie sundaes to the bird community. My point is, I cannot even imagine, when I was younger, having the patience or DESIRE to place squirmy meal worms here and there so that birds would land on the items next to it! More proof that I Have Turned into a Old Person!

Right now I'm eating a sandwich composed of killer good bread with lots of texture and inside my sandwich is a HUGE ass tomato, 8 inches of sprouts and some tasty green pepper and a little mayo! I can only imagine that most of you will run to Lorenzo's Truck Stop on the Green and ask the waitress to see if she can whip up this same sandwich for you! My teeth are totally packed in sprouts as I write this! Who wants to kiss me? OMG! I just realized, I'm also at the point when my sandwich appeals more to me than a long kiss! There was a time when I wouldn't even eat I'd be so excited about getting a kiss. I'm gone! Hello! The person I used to be has left the building!

Ok, let's lighten this up...imagine doing THIS...As you know I garden, I needed more plants. A trip to the Garden emporium in my area was warranted. I got a cart, I spent over an hour drooling over the plants, I spent waaaaaaaaaaay to much money on something that's going to die sometime before winter and I went out to my car. I opened the trunk, put in several containers of my flowers and then closed the trunk and went to open my side door. I tried and tried and tried to get the doors open but they wouldn't open. Finally, I looked inside the car and realized that this car with my flowers in the trunk, WASN'T MINE. Shit. Danger Zone Ahead! I saw my car across the isle from this one and realized I better move my ass and get my flowers out of this OTHER PERSON's car before they see me! Who knew that my car key would open some other person's trunk! Insane! Totally perspiring HARD at this point.

If this wasn't bad enough, I also had purchased two glass globe deals to put in my garden. On the way to the car, one of the globes fell on the ground and I didn't notice until I got home that the backside of it was completely broken and smashed in. And no...I didn't take it back. What would I have said? "I was involved in a struggle and this glass globe I just purchased from your store tried to kill me!" "I demand a new one!" I don't see any of the scenarios I could come up with where the end result is that they want me to have a new globe free of charge. Maybe if I had held on to it with my hand instead of placing it precariously on top of a pile of other stuff in my cart...

Green Comfort Zones and rabbits

I'm probably going to last two days on this blog. So, I went outside my comfort zone today! I was in Walgreens and I did a double take when I saw this 'spring green' nail polish by Sally Hanson! Me, Little Miss either don't do my nails AT all or else they gotta be 'red'! NOT TODAY! Today I picked out 'green' - and I liked it! It's sitting here right in front of me - it wants me to actually USE it and soon! I'm going to put it on my toes and my reasoning is this...I'm a gardner now and gardners should all have green nails! It's like a symbol of gardening! My toes are going to represent my status to the world!

People will see me and look down at my toes and give me the 'gardner' nod. They'll know. Green polish! It's a sign! It will let people know I'm earthy and not afraid to get my feet in the dirt where the worms are living. say it with me! "I am going to wear green polish!" After I use it on my toes, I can just imagine the day my husband spots my green toe nails. I'm pretty sure he's going to bust out laughing and say "Dear!" Then he will immediately tell me I'm too old for that color! I'll say "Oh so what?" "I like it, it makes me feel fun!" I'll wear it until it wears off completely.

Ok, new topic... so have I told you how the rabbits devastated my back yard over the winter? Have I told you that it makes me positively SEETHE that they wrecked my garden? Well, can I tell you that right now as I type this I looked outside and there are 4 #@#!! rabbits just hangin' out in my back yard right now! AS IF I want to ever see one of those creatures in my yard again! Apparently my back yard is bunny utopia! ##@#!!! Next scene: me outside, yelling at the cute faced bunnies and then chasing them. One of them looked at me like "What's the problem?" then he ran too. I wish I could actually TELL them what their rabbit friends did, how they destroyed and ate my garden and bushes! Then to have them really understand why it's NOT a good thing to come into our yard! I want them to say to one another, "Shit! Whatever you do, DO NOT GO in that lady's yard!" when they look at my house! If you think for one minute that I'm being hard, again...you should see what they did to my yard! My girlfriend used the words rabbit holocaust! You have to know that for her to even 'think' those words about my yard, it must have looked pretty BAD! It DID! And there were thousands and thousands of rabbit droppings in our back yard! We probably should have purchased has mat suits! My friend walked around with her hand over her mouth as she looked at my yard, I'm pretty sure she was gagging at the amount of rabbit excretions she was walking through. I AM NOT A FAN OF THE BLASTED FUZZY OVER POPULATING RABBITS! I think my friend wears plastic bags over her feet now when ever she comes to my house. Just in case.

This same friend never wants to take her shoes off anymore when she comes to my house. I'm pretty sure it's because she doesn't want me to see those plastic bags over her heels and toes. I wonder how she keeps them on. Rubber bands? Old pony tail holders? Something has to be holding them up. It will cut off her circulation if she's using rubber bands. I should really 'snap' one of those damn rubber bands just to let her know I saw the bands and the plastic bags. My husband would say "Lighten up sister!" if he saw her plastic bag covered feet. The majority of the bunny crap has been removed. It's safe to enter our yard again.

I'm waiting for my man friend to call me. He calls me every night. I can hear him laughing jubilantly in the background as he waits for me to say "Hello". His excitement at hearing my voice again must be overwhelming. I'm sure at work he turns to everyone and grabs his crotch and says "Yeah, I gotta go call the old lady." as he stomps off towards the phone. Then like magic when he gets a hold of me, he recites poetry - poems he has written to me while working at the plant. I burst into song, inspired by the poetry and find myself up on my toes doing pirouettes around the room. Such is our life.

It's time to go now, I've watched a dazzlingly perfect episode of Glee topped off with The Good Wife - life is good for me tonight. Tomorrow - green polish application to unglamorous feet! I bet I could convince a foot fetish guy to lose his eccentric compulsion to latch on to feet!! One look at my feet could change a man.

Goodnight.

Nobody tells you...older person syndrome

What nobody tells you about getting old. The best way I can put it is this. Recently I told my husband that Aliens must have taken me away at some point and done some bullshit twisted shit to me and then sent me back home in somebody else's body! (I originally used the word carcass). I cannot believe that the body I am in now is mine. It never was mine before! For years I had the same body that I knew inside and out and was completely familiar with. Now I have a body I never asked for, never dreamed I'd have, and one that has lost what once was always there! I see my mom's body now, after she got old. I look in the mirror and each time say some version of "Holy Shit - Where did I go?!"

This blog is not for the squeamish or even for those who would rather not go there yet...talking about aging. I never ever even considered that one day I'd be some older woman having a blog about aging! It's totally insane to me that I have arrived at the state of being an older person. A person who likes to buy birdhouses! A person who looks out the window and notices every single new leaf on a tree or plant! I'm the person who walks down the street and I NEVER EVER have to worry that anybody would ever want to mug me or even have their way with me! It's like wearing a cloak of Invisibility! People don't see me anymore! Especially young people! I have older person syndrome.

Let me say it this way...I was on the bus and I rang the bell for my stop. A cute young( NEIGHBOR who knows me) guy got up too and was directly in front of me and was aware that we both got up at the same time to get off of the bus. What did he do? He moved back, making me move back too, so that a lovely young girl his age could go first and then he boldly blocked my way and went first after the cute girl! It was as if I didn't exist. Then he let the bus door slam on me! All he saw was an old person and a fresh young vibrant young person, or maybe he didn't SEE me at all! I'm here now - Ive arrived at being an older person. I can't use the word "old" yet because that sounds even older than 'older person'. "Old" makes you think ages 70-100. "Older person" makes you think ages 40-50.

It scares the absolute hell out of me! A lot of the time I can't even find a trace of the old me in this new me! The change was so gradual I missed it and didn't see it coming really! My husband says it's still me here but I am doubtful! Another theory I have is that I think I must have been in an auto crash and died so they took my brain and put it in the body of some old lady. And the old lady lived and now that old lady is me! Think eyes as big as fried eggs looking at my reflection trying to figure this out! I constantly look in the mirror and say "What the hell?" It's startling to me and sad to me that I just don't know how to BE this new person.

One of the biggest absolute pains to me is HOW TO DRESS THIS OLDER PERSON! I have no idea! I can't find a damn thing that I feel looks even remotely attractive on me anymore! I lost my style! Do you know that one day I actually PURCHASED a house dress? A FREAKIN' HOUSEDRESS! I was wearing it around the house and one day I looked in the mirror and said "OMG! What the ##@!!@@! am I wearing????" It went into the paint clothes pile but when I went to put it on to paint, I couldn't do it! It was so awful! Blue and white stripes with little pockets sewn on the front...Somebody kill me! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRESS! I don't want to leave the house if I don't have to because then I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR! Dread overcomes me every single time.
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I cannot and will not purchase anything with spandex. I will never put on a elastic pair of spanks! I will stay home for a month before I'd put on a pair of those spanks! It's crazy what women do and I probably should be doing a lot of it but, nobody cares how I look one way or the other. If I go to the supermarket all done up in stilettos and a low curvaceous blouse versus going in my jeans, fleece sweatshirt and my winter fur lined Crocs - nobody is going to care because I'm now an older person! I'm not making this shit up! I get the 'Oh don't pay any attention to her...she's old now!" looks that also let me know I can do anything and play the 'old card'!

There are fun parts! I have never in my life felt so relaxed! So absolutely free to be me - to be myself 100%! I don't feel the absolute dire need to put on makeup every single morning any longer! That was a whole pile of stress for me because I never was very good at applying my makeup to begin with! I was mediocre at best. What I am good at is laughing! I am completely thrilled that at my age I can still laugh HARD! I'm SO happy about that! Think of how many people you know that are old that don't have anything at all to even smile about! I LAUGH! I LAUGH OFTEN!

My girlfriend purchased a plaque that said "The older I get, the more I can be myself." I LOVED this saying! The woman who clerked at the store thought this was a dreadful saying! My girlfriend and I smiled like crazy because WE GOT what this meant! It means that older people can be anybody they want to be. They don't have to pretend to be a certain type of people because nobody cares any longer. If you do try too hard to not be old people pick up on that and usually roll their eyes at older people's attempts.

I'm telling you that somebody must have absconded with my former body. If you see a fast, lake- walking, younger woman with cute hair and a big smile look hard because that's how I used to look, before the accident. Some people might equate my different body with Vampires. I bet that's it...something I never even thought of before.

Maybe I used to be so supple that one of the most diabolical of the Vampire kingdom kept me as his mortal concubine until he sucked the life out of me! Maybe he left his DNA somewhere around my house when he dropped me off that last time. If I can prove it was him, I'm going to press charges and tell him I want all my blood back so I don't look this old. I mean, IF, that's what happened to me. If there are stages of death, well I think he stopped sucklacating me while I was at the third to the last stage before death. It could be worse. I don't look like a dead person yet. Thank goodness for that. If you ever see me and I do look like death warmed over...please tell me to put on some lipstick or something! Do not pinch my cheeks to make them look like a blush! That's just mean. Pinching an old person's face! Our skin is thin enough without that kind of shit going on! I'd make a citizens arrest if you ever tried to pinch me.

Once upon a time on a vacation when my son was really young, we were on an airplane and across the isle from us was an extremely old person and my son looked at her hands and said "Mom! Look at that ladies hands! I would never want to touch them! They look so old!" Well, my hands are on their way to being like the woman's on the plane! I have something called 'nodules' growing on all the joints of my hands! It's a nice look if you are looking for a role in a movie for something like the Hunchback of Notre Dame"! I'm sure he had gnarly hands! I have arthritis in my hands and knees! Who thinks about this stuff when you are young? I so wish I would have done even more than I did with every part of me that worked so well!

Well here's the deal...nobody tells you that someday YOU will be writing about how it is being an older person. But since I HAVE arrived at this place, of being an older person, I'm here to tell you, I've got stories...!

Please come back and read some more from time to time if you would like to. Tell Ellen DeGeneres that she really should read my blog too.