Nobody tells you...older person syndrome

What nobody tells you about getting old. The best way I can put it is this. Recently I told my husband that Aliens must have taken me away at some point and done some bullshit twisted shit to me and then sent me back home in somebody else's body! (I originally used the word carcass). I cannot believe that the body I am in now is mine. It never was mine before! For years I had the same body that I knew inside and out and was completely familiar with. Now I have a body I never asked for, never dreamed I'd have, and one that has lost what once was always there! I see my mom's body now, after she got old. I look in the mirror and each time say some version of "Holy Shit - Where did I go?!"

This blog is not for the squeamish or even for those who would rather not go there yet...talking about aging. I never ever even considered that one day I'd be some older woman having a blog about aging! It's totally insane to me that I have arrived at the state of being an older person. A person who likes to buy birdhouses! A person who looks out the window and notices every single new leaf on a tree or plant! I'm the person who walks down the street and I NEVER EVER have to worry that anybody would ever want to mug me or even have their way with me! It's like wearing a cloak of Invisibility! People don't see me anymore! Especially young people! I have older person syndrome.

Let me say it this way...I was on the bus and I rang the bell for my stop. A cute young( NEIGHBOR who knows me) guy got up too and was directly in front of me and was aware that we both got up at the same time to get off of the bus. What did he do? He moved back, making me move back too, so that a lovely young girl his age could go first and then he boldly blocked my way and went first after the cute girl! It was as if I didn't exist. Then he let the bus door slam on me! All he saw was an old person and a fresh young vibrant young person, or maybe he didn't SEE me at all! I'm here now - Ive arrived at being an older person. I can't use the word "old" yet because that sounds even older than 'older person'. "Old" makes you think ages 70-100. "Older person" makes you think ages 40-50.

It scares the absolute hell out of me! A lot of the time I can't even find a trace of the old me in this new me! The change was so gradual I missed it and didn't see it coming really! My husband says it's still me here but I am doubtful! Another theory I have is that I think I must have been in an auto crash and died so they took my brain and put it in the body of some old lady. And the old lady lived and now that old lady is me! Think eyes as big as fried eggs looking at my reflection trying to figure this out! I constantly look in the mirror and say "What the hell?" It's startling to me and sad to me that I just don't know how to BE this new person.

One of the biggest absolute pains to me is HOW TO DRESS THIS OLDER PERSON! I have no idea! I can't find a damn thing that I feel looks even remotely attractive on me anymore! I lost my style! Do you know that one day I actually PURCHASED a house dress? A FREAKIN' HOUSEDRESS! I was wearing it around the house and one day I looked in the mirror and said "OMG! What the ##@!!@@! am I wearing????" It went into the paint clothes pile but when I went to put it on to paint, I couldn't do it! It was so awful! Blue and white stripes with little pockets sewn on the front...Somebody kill me! I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRESS! I don't want to leave the house if I don't have to because then I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR! Dread overcomes me every single time.
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I cannot and will not purchase anything with spandex. I will never put on a elastic pair of spanks! I will stay home for a month before I'd put on a pair of those spanks! It's crazy what women do and I probably should be doing a lot of it but, nobody cares how I look one way or the other. If I go to the supermarket all done up in stilettos and a low curvaceous blouse versus going in my jeans, fleece sweatshirt and my winter fur lined Crocs - nobody is going to care because I'm now an older person! I'm not making this shit up! I get the 'Oh don't pay any attention to her...she's old now!" looks that also let me know I can do anything and play the 'old card'!

There are fun parts! I have never in my life felt so relaxed! So absolutely free to be me - to be myself 100%! I don't feel the absolute dire need to put on makeup every single morning any longer! That was a whole pile of stress for me because I never was very good at applying my makeup to begin with! I was mediocre at best. What I am good at is laughing! I am completely thrilled that at my age I can still laugh HARD! I'm SO happy about that! Think of how many people you know that are old that don't have anything at all to even smile about! I LAUGH! I LAUGH OFTEN!

My girlfriend purchased a plaque that said "The older I get, the more I can be myself." I LOVED this saying! The woman who clerked at the store thought this was a dreadful saying! My girlfriend and I smiled like crazy because WE GOT what this meant! It means that older people can be anybody they want to be. They don't have to pretend to be a certain type of people because nobody cares any longer. If you do try too hard to not be old people pick up on that and usually roll their eyes at older people's attempts.

I'm telling you that somebody must have absconded with my former body. If you see a fast, lake- walking, younger woman with cute hair and a big smile look hard because that's how I used to look, before the accident. Some people might equate my different body with Vampires. I bet that's it...something I never even thought of before.

Maybe I used to be so supple that one of the most diabolical of the Vampire kingdom kept me as his mortal concubine until he sucked the life out of me! Maybe he left his DNA somewhere around my house when he dropped me off that last time. If I can prove it was him, I'm going to press charges and tell him I want all my blood back so I don't look this old. I mean, IF, that's what happened to me. If there are stages of death, well I think he stopped sucklacating me while I was at the third to the last stage before death. It could be worse. I don't look like a dead person yet. Thank goodness for that. If you ever see me and I do look like death warmed over...please tell me to put on some lipstick or something! Do not pinch my cheeks to make them look like a blush! That's just mean. Pinching an old person's face! Our skin is thin enough without that kind of shit going on! I'd make a citizens arrest if you ever tried to pinch me.

Once upon a time on a vacation when my son was really young, we were on an airplane and across the isle from us was an extremely old person and my son looked at her hands and said "Mom! Look at that ladies hands! I would never want to touch them! They look so old!" Well, my hands are on their way to being like the woman's on the plane! I have something called 'nodules' growing on all the joints of my hands! It's a nice look if you are looking for a role in a movie for something like the Hunchback of Notre Dame"! I'm sure he had gnarly hands! I have arthritis in my hands and knees! Who thinks about this stuff when you are young? I so wish I would have done even more than I did with every part of me that worked so well!

Well here's the deal...nobody tells you that someday YOU will be writing about how it is being an older person. But since I HAVE arrived at this place, of being an older person, I'm here to tell you, I've got stories...!

Please come back and read some more from time to time if you would like to. Tell Ellen DeGeneres that she really should read my blog too.