What's wrong with this picture?

Tonight I had a struggle of vast proportions. It was the end of the day, I had sufficiently dirtied myself up gardening. I looked like hell but nobody is really paying attention, that I know of. Although I often imagine the neighbors are all saying that I have gone down hill since I lost my job. That is definitely the case. But, on the other hand, the very glorious other hand, I love my life right now! I live in cute-ville with a good man and I am FREE to garden or do anything I want...for the first time in my life since I was a kid! Yippie for me! I watched a show on TV last night talking about aging and one thing that hit me was that they said people who turn 50 are less stressed! Old people are REALLY not stressed! Finally, something is actually good about this! Although if anybody tries to put me in a nursing home, my stress level will exceed the combination of all the stress I have had in this lifetime!

As my story continues, tonight I took a lovely shower in our spa like bathroom, wrapped up in the fluffy large white spa-like towel, wrapped my hair in a big brown towel and then I got ready to put on my nightly face creams. This is where it got very dark. I had run out of my special facial creams so my good and always a hero, husband, purchased for me a three pack of the exact three items I needed at Sam's Club! We are talking big bucks here! I mean almost $100.00!

Well I went to get my 3 pack of face creams and was ready to open a jar and apply the creams to my thirsty facial tissues! Well THAT wasn't going to happen any time soon! You know when you purchase things, like toys for instance, how it comes hermetically sealed in that heavy duty plastic. Well, my creams were encased in the utensil defying plastic and I couldn't get at them. I used knives, scissors, but this bastard of a package was not giving in one iota. I think it took me at least 20 minutes to get to ONE of the three items in this package. My hands were scratched and bordering on bloody. I struggled with the 2nd item for close to 30 minutes until I got it out! Oh! And to make things even more dastardly, not only can you not get the plastic off in a big enough section to even inch out the item you are trying desperately to reach...they have GLUED the product to the back of the plastic it's encased in! MEAN! That's just MEAN!

My thought is that FOR SURE, somewhere in this plastic, is a hidden microchip with a camera in it and as soon as I attempted to open the package the camera automatically goes on and sends a live feed to the people who seal up these plastic packages! I know they were doubled over in laughter, probably even still laughing as I write this! In case any of you are wondering, the THIRD cream is STILL in the package and I cannot get it out! I'll have to have my husband and his man tools rip that sucker open! If Superman was real, I'd have to have summoned him to open my damn package! I realize you don't bother Superman for just anything but it would only take him a half a second to open my package then he could fly off and help a REALLY needed person! Not to mention that today, for once, my hands didn't hurt from arthritis but they sure as hell did AFTER all the exertion I put upon them to open that damn plastic covering so I could get at my purchases! It certainly ruined the spa relaxed feeling I was enjoying just moments before.

Let me tell you another sign of getting old. Yesterday I sat outside in the yard ALL DAY long. What was I doing you ask? I was taking photos of birds - ALL DAY! But it wasn't at all boring because I had a plan to communicate what I wanted the birds to do so I'd get cute photos every time! Well, I got myself a LARGE supply of meal worms and I would arrange cute scenarios and then plant the meal worms somewhere near the objects I wanted them to land on and just like that...CUTE PHOTO OPPORTUNITY! I rock in the bird looking cute sitting on something department! Mealworms are like brownie sundaes to the bird community. My point is, I cannot even imagine, when I was younger, having the patience or DESIRE to place squirmy meal worms here and there so that birds would land on the items next to it! More proof that I Have Turned into a Old Person!

Right now I'm eating a sandwich composed of killer good bread with lots of texture and inside my sandwich is a HUGE ass tomato, 8 inches of sprouts and some tasty green pepper and a little mayo! I can only imagine that most of you will run to Lorenzo's Truck Stop on the Green and ask the waitress to see if she can whip up this same sandwich for you! My teeth are totally packed in sprouts as I write this! Who wants to kiss me? OMG! I just realized, I'm also at the point when my sandwich appeals more to me than a long kiss! There was a time when I wouldn't even eat I'd be so excited about getting a kiss. I'm gone! Hello! The person I used to be has left the building!

Ok, let's lighten this up...imagine doing THIS...As you know I garden, I needed more plants. A trip to the Garden emporium in my area was warranted. I got a cart, I spent over an hour drooling over the plants, I spent waaaaaaaaaaay to much money on something that's going to die sometime before winter and I went out to my car. I opened the trunk, put in several containers of my flowers and then closed the trunk and went to open my side door. I tried and tried and tried to get the doors open but they wouldn't open. Finally, I looked inside the car and realized that this car with my flowers in the trunk, WASN'T MINE. Shit. Danger Zone Ahead! I saw my car across the isle from this one and realized I better move my ass and get my flowers out of this OTHER PERSON's car before they see me! Who knew that my car key would open some other person's trunk! Insane! Totally perspiring HARD at this point.

If this wasn't bad enough, I also had purchased two glass globe deals to put in my garden. On the way to the car, one of the globes fell on the ground and I didn't notice until I got home that the backside of it was completely broken and smashed in. And no...I didn't take it back. What would I have said? "I was involved in a struggle and this glass globe I just purchased from your store tried to kill me!" "I demand a new one!" I don't see any of the scenarios I could come up with where the end result is that they want me to have a new globe free of charge. Maybe if I had held on to it with my hand instead of placing it precariously on top of a pile of other stuff in my cart...

Green Comfort Zones and rabbits

I'm probably going to last two days on this blog. So, I went outside my comfort zone today! I was in Walgreens and I did a double take when I saw this 'spring green' nail polish by Sally Hanson! Me, Little Miss either don't do my nails AT all or else they gotta be 'red'! NOT TODAY! Today I picked out 'green' - and I liked it! It's sitting here right in front of me - it wants me to actually USE it and soon! I'm going to put it on my toes and my reasoning is this...I'm a gardner now and gardners should all have green nails! It's like a symbol of gardening! My toes are going to represent my status to the world!

People will see me and look down at my toes and give me the 'gardner' nod. They'll know. Green polish! It's a sign! It will let people know I'm earthy and not afraid to get my feet in the dirt where the worms are living. say it with me! "I am going to wear green polish!" After I use it on my toes, I can just imagine the day my husband spots my green toe nails. I'm pretty sure he's going to bust out laughing and say "Dear!" Then he will immediately tell me I'm too old for that color! I'll say "Oh so what?" "I like it, it makes me feel fun!" I'll wear it until it wears off completely.

Ok, new topic... so have I told you how the rabbits devastated my back yard over the winter? Have I told you that it makes me positively SEETHE that they wrecked my garden? Well, can I tell you that right now as I type this I looked outside and there are 4 #@#!! rabbits just hangin' out in my back yard right now! AS IF I want to ever see one of those creatures in my yard again! Apparently my back yard is bunny utopia! ##@#!!! Next scene: me outside, yelling at the cute faced bunnies and then chasing them. One of them looked at me like "What's the problem?" then he ran too. I wish I could actually TELL them what their rabbit friends did, how they destroyed and ate my garden and bushes! Then to have them really understand why it's NOT a good thing to come into our yard! I want them to say to one another, "Shit! Whatever you do, DO NOT GO in that lady's yard!" when they look at my house! If you think for one minute that I'm being hard, again...you should see what they did to my yard! My girlfriend used the words rabbit holocaust! You have to know that for her to even 'think' those words about my yard, it must have looked pretty BAD! It DID! And there were thousands and thousands of rabbit droppings in our back yard! We probably should have purchased has mat suits! My friend walked around with her hand over her mouth as she looked at my yard, I'm pretty sure she was gagging at the amount of rabbit excretions she was walking through. I AM NOT A FAN OF THE BLASTED FUZZY OVER POPULATING RABBITS! I think my friend wears plastic bags over her feet now when ever she comes to my house. Just in case.

This same friend never wants to take her shoes off anymore when she comes to my house. I'm pretty sure it's because she doesn't want me to see those plastic bags over her heels and toes. I wonder how she keeps them on. Rubber bands? Old pony tail holders? Something has to be holding them up. It will cut off her circulation if she's using rubber bands. I should really 'snap' one of those damn rubber bands just to let her know I saw the bands and the plastic bags. My husband would say "Lighten up sister!" if he saw her plastic bag covered feet. The majority of the bunny crap has been removed. It's safe to enter our yard again.

I'm waiting for my man friend to call me. He calls me every night. I can hear him laughing jubilantly in the background as he waits for me to say "Hello". His excitement at hearing my voice again must be overwhelming. I'm sure at work he turns to everyone and grabs his crotch and says "Yeah, I gotta go call the old lady." as he stomps off towards the phone. Then like magic when he gets a hold of me, he recites poetry - poems he has written to me while working at the plant. I burst into song, inspired by the poetry and find myself up on my toes doing pirouettes around the room. Such is our life.

It's time to go now, I've watched a dazzlingly perfect episode of Glee topped off with The Good Wife - life is good for me tonight. Tomorrow - green polish application to unglamorous feet! I bet I could convince a foot fetish guy to lose his eccentric compulsion to latch on to feet!! One look at my feet could change a man.

Goodnight.